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2008-02-08T05:55:00.001-08:00

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Sharp Aquos Lc26d43u

2008-01-29T18:36:00.001-08:00

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An Open Letter to America

2007-09-01T21:20:00.001-07:00

Dear America,Happy Labor Day. I hope you're all enjoying the beer and barbecue and spending time with your kids before they go back to school. Be sure not to ruin their day by telling them that we're sinking their future into a pit of war debt. Don't tell them we're spending more money to kill Muslims than we'll ever dedicate to their education. Don't tell them over 3,500 dedicated soldiers have died needlessly in a war that is nothing but lies for profit and oil...and fueled by religious undertones. Please don't kill their last day of summer fun with the truth.Instead, tell them that we live in the greatest country on earth, but don't get too detailed. Don't tell them about things like no-bid contracts, Halliburton, DynCorp, Raytheon, General Dynamics, or The Carlyle Group. Tell them we're at war merely to protect ourselves because Muslims hate America. It's so much easier than saying we're actually there because we killed their leader to install a government that seemed more suitable and now we're stuck cleaning up the clusterfuck we created. Please don't let them know that Iraq and Al Qaeda aren't the same thing.Don't tell them that our founders enlightened vision of freedom has now been reduced to tattered shreds and that through all of this the general majority still couldn't care less. Don't tell them that freedom of speech is now regulated and that people who disagree are labelled as crazy liberals who are totally disregarded, unless they're too loud, then they're contained to "first amendment zones" because they hate America.Don't tell them that the right to a fair trial no longer applies to everyone. Tell them there's no such thing as torture while crossing your fingers behind your back. Tell them it's all right to deny equal rights to people if you use religion as an excuse. Tell them it's ok for the government to spy on its citizens, because if you're not a bad guy you have nothing to worry about.Don't ask questions or concern yourself with things that haven't yet directly affected you, because if you do then you're a bad American. Make sure you have a popular opinion. Be complacent. These days complacency is the patriotic trait of a good American. Asking for answers is for nutjobs like Cindy Sheehan and just makes people think you don't support the troops.Happy Labor Day America!Kind regards,Shannon SparksU.S. Citizen

Louisiana Racists Pummelled by Hurricane Sharpton

2007-09-01T21:20:00.000-07:00

This week, Rev. Al Sharpton has taken time from his busy schedule of inciting hatred toward Jews, getting crusty shock-jocks fired, whoring himself to the media, and maintaining his unflattering pompadour hairstyle to travel to the KKK stronghold of Jena, La. to support a group of black scapegoats that are being unfairly punished for beating up some gun toting honky.Originally, Al said he had no plans to travel to Jena until some future trailer owning white students hung nooses at the school as a witty reference back to the days when Louisiana was unfathomably redneck instead of just severely redneck as it is in modern times. Al said that once race was brought into it he felt obligated to speak up I guess because he thinks that everybody really cares about his opinion.Unfortunately though, this incident in Jena has the potential to create unnecessary racial tensions between black and white America and distract us from more important things like uniting against Hispanic immigrants and killing Muslims.

Men in Suits Behind Podiums Telling Lies on Fox

2007-09-01T21:19:00.004-07:00

Tonight, the dickheads over at Fox News will host yet another asinine Republican debate that hardly anyone will be bored enough to even bother watching. Here are my predictions:Mitt Romney will have big hair and way too much makeup...like alwaysRudy Giuliani will say 9-11, 9-11, War on Terror, Radical Islam!!!!Yuck-Yuck Huckabee will tell jokes.....Gosh, he's so dang funnyTom Tancredo will remind us that he still hates MexicansRon Paul will say the truth, and therefore be automatically overlookedI don't think Thompson will be there...he's still officially contemplating the possibility of maybe pondering the idea of considering an official candicacy....which he will then promptly loseMcCain will defend amnesty, say something about Vietnam, and look like a bloated albino dwarfHunter and Brownback won't have anything remarkable to say. It won't be worth your time to listen to them. Feel free to change the channel when they speak.After the debates, I'll be sure to post the summary of the candidates answers. This should be rivetting....

Alan Keyes Still Isn't Done Losing Elections

2007-09-01T21:19:00.003-07:00

I had no idea Alan Keyes was running for something again, but to my surprise when I tuned into the Republican debate the other night there he was on the stage. I kind of had to squint my eyes before saying to myself, "What the hell is Alan Keyes doing up on stage?"Alan Keyes is a consistent man. He consistently loses any election he runs for. He also consistently says and does things that make him look like a total jackass. Things such as: (cue bullet points)Saying prison is a good place for black men to get an educationSaid welfare to the poor has destroyed the black familyClaimed that gay marriage would promote incestCalled Dick Cheney's lesbian daugher a "selfish hedonist". Ironically, his own daughter Maya is a lesbian (he has since disowned her, but said he still loves her even though she's going to hell)Said that God caused 9/11, because of abortionBlamed the fact that nobody would vote for him on the mediaAs a gesture of goodwill towards the mentally ill, I've decided to help him out a little with a few bumper stickers to help give his campaign some much needed visibility. No thanks necessary. Just doing my patriotic duty.

From the Desk of Chairman O'Reilly

2007-09-01T21:19:00.002-07:00

Today, loofah enthusiast Bill O'Reilly released on official declaration commanding the government to bring back the Office of War Information. Their duty would be to censor any media that doesn't promote the murder of people for oil and political power War on Terror.According to Bill, this is necessary because a bunch of "loons" in Hollywood insist on running around all liberal and stirring up a bunch of unpatriotic shit with their willy-nilly rampage of truth telling. His prime example is Brian DePalma's upcoming film "Redacted" which chronicles the gang rape and murder of a teenage girl and her family in Haditha by US soldiers.Although Bill acknowledges that the incidents at Haditha and Abu Ghraib were horrible, he just doesn't see why America-hating liberals feel the need to go around constantly talking about it, because ulimately "we are hurting our own country" and of course because it will "incite young Muslim men all ready steeped in hatred toward America".Bill also said something about the Office of War Information censoring or completly outlawing CNN, MSNBC, Keith Olberman, Rosie O'Donnell, DailyKos, Michael Moore, Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, Cindy Sheehan, Mexicans, blogs, blogospheres, falafels, and embarassing sexual harassment settlements.Here's a patriotic yet oppressive link to the full article.

Hero of the Week: Noam Chomsky

2007-09-01T21:19:00.001-07:00

This week's hero is anti-war darling/Jewish smarty pants, Noam Chomsky. Because he's smarter than everybody? No. Because he's Jewish? Of course not, they smell funny. Because Osama gave him a shoutout in his last video? Hell no, I wouldn't be that unpatriotic on 9/11. (But while we're on the subject of Osama....that dyed beard? Where do you get beard dye if you live in a cave in Pakistan? Just asking...)It's because of the interview he did with one of Japan's leading news publications, Mainichi Shimbun. In the interview Chomsky said some shit. A whole lotta shit. A whole lotta true shit.Here are a few excerpts, because I'm addicted to bullet points:The United States is not a functioning democracy Bush is the best ally bin Laden and Ahmadinejad could haveThe Iraq war "significantly increased the threat of terror"The invasion of Iraq was a war crimeSo yeah, Noam Chomsky is pretty much a kick-ass motherfucker. If you don't think so, then I don't know what.

Duncan Hunter is a Shit Sack

2007-09-01T21:19:00.000-07:00

What makes Duncan Hunter think he has a chance in hell of winning the Republican presidential nomination? I have no idea. Another valid question you might ask is...Who the hell is Duncan Hunter? And that's an entirely valid question, because most people either have no clue who he is or they know him and subsequently hate his guts.Duncan Hunter is a lazy Republican Senator that only shows up to vote about 2/3 of the time or just whenever he feels like it. He was also a member of the appropriations committee that sent everybody's kids to war with nothing but a gun, not bothering to provide them with body armor or explosive resistant vehicles. Plus his hair really sucks and everything he says is either incorrect, a lie, or totally irellevant.Here's a few examples of Hunter's stupid-assery just from the black debate on PBS last night:Hunter totally dodged a question on the racial inequalities of the justice system by encouraging black people to join the military and go to warStammered when the moderator told him he didn't answer the question and still couldn't manage to come up with a decent answerHe proudly kept repeating the word "barrio" to try to connect with the mostly black audience...because he doesn't know the difference between black Americans and Hispanics Duncan Hunter is someone I write about so that later in life I can look back on my blog and say, "Who the hell was that guy and why was I writing about him?"? Oh, and don't even get me started on "Family Values" Brownback and his Gomer Pyle-like voice.

Iraq? Oh, It's a Blast!!

2007-09-01T21:18:00.001-07:00

An optimistic General Petraeus said today that things were just fucking fabulous in sunny Iraq. Sure there's still some bloodshed and the slight risk of everything imploding in a shitstorm of bullets and body parts, BUT... it's way better than it was. In fact, we might be able to let a couple of soldiers come home soon, or around Christmastime, or maybe next summer, or perhaps a little further down the road than that....but soon nevertheless. We still can't set a timetable for withdrawal and run the risk of "emboldening" our enemy...obviously.Here are just a few of the things that the US has done to improve things in Iraq since annointing General Petraeus:Stopped reporting how many hours a day that Baghdad is without powerNo longer recording casualties resulting from car bombsOnly reporting casualties if they were shot from behind in sectarian violence statisticsCreated "peace" in Anbar, Ramadi, etc. by arming the hell out of Sunni militiasEstablished so much breathing room for political gains that the Iraqi government took a whole month off to relaxRepublicans and general warmongers are pleased as punch that Petraeus had such an enthusiastic report. Plus this is a bitchslap to the fiz-ace for all those anti-war pussies that hate the troops and want us to lose the war. Petraeus has turned the miserable wasteland of Iraq into the new Disneyland....a bloody, gorey, nightmarish, Muslim Disneyland. I mean, so what if they don't have the "teacups" ride. Soon you'll be able to whimsically cruise down the scenic Euphrates while riding atop one the many floating corpses still being dumped there on a regular basis. General Petraeus would also like to remind the American people that although he's a puppet of the Bush administration, the White House had absolutely no influence whatsoever on his reporting.Ambassador Ryan Crocker also said some shit that nobody really listened to.

George Bush: Still a Dumbfuck

2007-09-01T21:18:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to feel a little sad for The Decider(even though he's a mass murdering redneck). He's gotta know he blows at public speaking. Yet, he does it anway. By now his poor speechwriters have probably just resigned themselves to words with as few syllables as possible and just given the rest to God, knowing that Junior is just going to fuck it all up anyway before going down in a blaze of failed metaphors and stuttering idiocy.Well, it's happened again...This time it was at the APEC forum in Sydney, Australia. He only got three sentences into his speech before the stupid started pouring out. Here's the rundown:The Decider thanked the Australian Prime Minister for inviting him to the OPEC Summit.....but it's APEC, OPEC is entirely differentThen tried to correct himself by saying the Australian PM had invited him to the OPEC Summit next year....again incorrect, since neither the US or Australia are OPEC membersProudly thanked Australia for sending its Austrian troops to Iraq...sighAlmost blindly walked off of a "steep drop" as he wandered around the stage looking for an exit. Haw Haw.Strangely, there was no applause until The Decider actually exited the stage. Thank god this happened in Australia where everyone's drunk and will soon forget this ever happened.

Televangelists Say the Darnedest Things

2007-08-01T21:20:00.000-07:00

Sadly this week, it was announced that Christian Televangelist/Dickface/All-Out Motherfucker Bill Keller was having his program, Live Prayer with Bill Keller, yanked from the air as of August 31st.Apparently, "live prayer" included saying such inspirational things as:Islam is a 1,400-year-old lie from the pits of hellThe Koran is a book of fables and liesOprah is a new-age witchMormons, Jehovah's Witnesses and Scientologists are evil cultsVoting for Mitt Romney is a vote for SatanMohammed was a murdering pedophileCalls to Mitt Romney, Mohammed, and Oprah were not immediately returned.

Another Day, Another Horny Republican in a Bathroom Story

2007-08-01T21:19:00.007-07:00

Well, it's the start of a brand new week, so you know what that means. Yup, brand new headlines about a Republican arrested for something penis related in a public bathroom.In mid-June, a very old, crusty, and obviously stupid Sen. Larry Craig of Idaho was arrested for lewd conduct after trying to score some weiner from a plainclothes officer in a bathroom at the Minneapolis airport. What an idiot! Did he really think he could get nasty with another guy in a friggin AIRPORT restroom and not get noticed/arrested. He would've been less conspicuous if he'd just walked around the streets of Minneapolis with a big cardboard sign that said, "FREE BLOWJOBS FOR COPS!!"Anyway, the Senator pled guilty and was officially sentenced by the judge today. He's on probation and has to pay a fine, no biggie....but of course the "official statement" he released was dodgy and still implied possible innocence (even though he pled guilty AND was accused of homosexual activity with pages back in 1982). See below for a sample of excuses from Sen. Craig.This was just a he said/he said misunderstandingThe police were misconstruing my actionsIn hindsight, I should not have pled guiltyAfter all these creepy stories about politicians lately, I just hope people are bringing hand sanitizer to political rallies and thinking twice before shaking their Senator's hand....

Ted Haggard Had a Shitty Week

2007-08-01T21:19:00.006-07:00

Remember Ted Haggard? He's the anti-gay Republican preacher that ran the New Life mega-church that also liked to snort meth while getting fucked by a gay hooker once a month for three years. Then he went off to dick rehab and came out 23 days later totally hetero again. Well, it seems he's pissed off a bunch of Evangelofascists again. Here's how it went down:I guess Ted is going broke, so he sent out a press release urging his followers to send him monthly payments for the next two years so he could earn a degree while counselling people at a place called Dream Center. He said anyone that sent him money would surely be "rewarded in Heaven" and told them to send their donations to him through a non-profit organization called Families with a Mission.Well, then a few things went awry. First, New Life, his former employer released a statement saying that Ted pandering for donations was a violation of the agreement he signed when he left. Then, Dream Center said it never had any intentions on hiring Ted and never told him anything to that effect. And last, but certainly not least, it came to light that Families with a Mission, the non-profit organization Ted was to have his donations funnelled through, was actually ran by a twice convicted sex offender and lost it's non-profit status months ago. Oops!Well Ted, I dunno... I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for those donations if I were you. I don't think Christians will be too eager to send cash to a lying former meth-homo that hangs out with sex offenders. Maybe you could get a job as a Restroom Attendent at an airport or city park? I hear it's a great way to meet influential people these days.

Hero of the Week: Jon Soltz

2007-08-01T21:19:00.005-07:00

Jon Soltz is the Chairman of VoteVets.org, an organization dedicated to ending the war in Iraq and refocusing our military efforts on bin Laden. He has a wealth of knowledge regarding politics in Iraq and regularly speaks out on the incompetency of the Bush Administration. He is an Iraq war veteran and also fought in Kosovo under the Clinton Administration. Here are a few of the notable achievements of Jon Soltz:Told punk bitch Rep. Brian Baird earlier this week in a very composed tone that Baird's trip to Iraq was nothing more than a "dog and pony show"Chided Lt. Colonel Buzz Patterson on Hardball for his "cheerleader tour" in IraqCalled out failed presidential candidate Duncan Hunter for the pencil pushing liar he is on Hannity & Colmes and frustrated Hannity to the point that he had to go to breakSaid war supporter Joe Lieberman spent the Vietnam years in law school and made fun of him for wearing fake Oakley's on his photo-op trip to IraqHere are few other unconfirmed, but interesting facts about Jon Soltz....Jon Soltz can do more pushups than you. He doesn't sleep or blink. Jon Soltz can control you with the power of his mind. Jon Soltz was once worshipped as a god by primitive tribespeople in the Amazon. He can also fly. Jon Soltz knows who really killed Kennedy. He can say fuck you in every language. Jon Soltz can eat with his toes...using chopsticks. He can drive with his eyes closed. Jon Soltz is better in bed than you. His dick is also way bigger than yours. Jon Soltz invented the martini. He is the one officially responsible for bringing sexy back. Jon Soltz is not a comptetive eater, but if he were, he would be the world champion.[For more Jon Soltz, check out his blog at Huffington Post]

Homos for Hillary '08

2007-08-01T21:19:00.004-07:00

This past week, HRC/Logo presented a Presidential Forum geared toward gay and lesbian issues. I felt a personal obligation to watch and I'm glad that I did, because it was complete bullshit very enlightening. Six of the eight Democratic hopefuls were in attendance, but surprisingly none of the Republican candidates accepted the invitation. Hmm, that's odd?For your convenience, let me quickly summarize each of the candidates message in the order they appeared:Barack Obama - fully understands gay issues because he's black and has a funny name, isn't afraid to talk about AIDS at church, believes that "separate but equal" is ok as long as it's called something elseJohn Edwards - isn't uncomfortable around homos, wants children to learn about gay sex in school, said personal beliefs shouldn't be a reason to deny gay marriage, but is against gay marriage because of personal beliefsDennis Kucinich - loves everybody, decorates his office with gay stickers, wants you to picture an equality symblol inside a big red heart embroidered on a carebear that's being hugged by a cute little girl with pigtails as she giggles happily while daydreaming about butterflies, kitty-cats, puppies, and equal rights for gay Americans (he was my personal favorite)Mike Gravel - said most old people are flat-out stupid, impressively named off all three of the gays in Alaska, periodically appeared to be fighting the urge to beat off while talking about the need for more love in the worldBill Richardson - defended his belief that homosexuality is a choice by saying he isn't a scientist, but is still able to sympathize with people that choose to be gay because he's half HispanicHillary Clinton - seemed to be the crowd favorite, most likely because she wore a necklace of coral-colored anal beads as a gesture of goodwill, Melissa Etherige was visibly unimpressed

From the Bureau of Mexican Handouts

2007-08-01T21:19:00.003-07:00

With Hurricane Dean approaching Mexico, The Decider has assured Felipe Calderon that our wallets would be open and accessible to them even more than it was pre-Dean. "We stand ready to help," said Bush. And by "we", he really means the American taxpayers, not just him, Laura, and Condi.This is the only fair thing to do since Mexico was such a huge part of the recovery effort of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. After all, they did loan us a couple of boats patrolled by Mexicans that actually returned home when they were done. So, the least we could do is give them a shitload of money that ultimately won't go to the people who need it anyway. Cuz that's how we roll.....it's called the American Way.He also went on to say, "The American people care a lot about the human condition" and "when we see human suffering we want to do what we can." ** To qualify for Bush's federal sympathy program you must be a sovereign entity willing to either overlook, ignore, or agree with U.S. foreign policy, and/or represent the economic or military interests of corrupt leaders/political parties. Middle Eastern nations, except for Israel, are exempt by default and all references to "the human condition" and "human suffering" in their region will hereby be referred to as "victory" or "collateral damage".

G.O.P.eter Puffers

2007-08-01T21:19:00.002-07:00

Hero of the Week: Newt Gingrich

2007-08-01T21:19:00.001-07:00

This week, young Jesus-blind white devils also known as the National Conservative Student Conference were gathered to have their flat-earth Christian beliefs refreshed by rich, influential assholes. Instead, they were treated to a little truth smackdown courtesy of guest speaker Newt Gingrich.Ol' Newtie came to the podium and quoted some statistics from Detroit, where black males are more likely to go to prison than to succeed. Surprisingly, he didn't equate this to a lack of prayer in schools. Instead, he said, "How can we tolerate systems more likely to send young Americans to prison than college?"He also went on to say the following...much to the dismay of the group of privileged whitebread dickheads: Republicans have this maniacally dumb idea of red versus blue. They say Detroit is a blue place, so we're not going to go there.Republican political doctrine has been a failure Look at New Orleans. How can you say that was a success?We've been in charge for six years and I don't think you can look around and say that was a great success. We have got to get beyond this political bologna. I'm not allowed to say anything positive about Hillary Clinton because then I'm not a loyal Republican, and she's not allowed to say anything positive about me because then she's not a loyal Democrat. What a stupid way to run a country.None of you should believe we are winning this warWe are in a phony war ... we have not been taking this seriously.Wow Newt, what in the hell has gotten into you? And where did all that come from? I think it's obvious that he's been hanging out with his lesbian sister a little too much an now he's just spouting off a bunch of liberal mumbo-jumbo.For the full article, go to Salon.com

God Hates Desperate Housewives Christian Rock Myspace Pretty Much Everything

2007-08-01T21:19:00.000-07:00

The ADA has sent out an email action alert urging their idiot hypocrites followers to boycott the show Desperate Housewives even more this time (if that's possible?) upon hearing news that the new season of the show will include a gay couple living on the Devil's Street also known Wysteria Lane. The ADA says, "this program like many others is straight from the pit of hell".They have also sent out no less than five urgent action alerts to deter their followers from Myspace and even condemned the Christian rock band One Star Story for allowing "porno people" on their myspace page even though when the group gave an interview they said they allowed anyone to join their friends list so that "these people would have the chance to hear the word".Well, the American Decency Association is calling bullshit on these empathetic, "so called" Christians with their Satanic rock sound (because God only likes hymns) and their "porno people" loving, Myspace embracing sinfullness by saying that yes, Jesus did go out into the world of sinners, but he certainly "did not invite 34,474 of His friends to join him there".The ADA would also like to repeatedly remind everyone to send them donations!

American Indecency

2007-07-01T21:19:00.004-07:00

The American Decency Association has alerted me to a relatively new product that is tainting the youth of America with ideas of "unbiblical sexuality" using advertising that promotes willy-nilly lesbianism. The makers of this unholy product want to turn precious little girls into strap-on wearing, Indigo Girls loving, bull dykes. The product I'm referring to? Eclipse Fusion Gum...of course.Please let the makers of this evil bubble gum know that proper Christians will not sit idly by and support "a company that goes so strongly against the standard of God" while their daughters chew their way straight to Hell with a domestic partner and a sinful desire to resurrect the Lilith Fair.I would also encourage you to participate in the ADA's other boycotts of the following:ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox, Victoria's Secret, Abercrombie & Fitch, Wal-Mart, Cosmopolitan, Family Guy, Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, The New Adventures of Old Christine, Howard Stern, Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, Cher, the FCC, MySpace, and Hardee's.

Rick Santorum Calls for Unity

2007-07-01T21:19:00.003-07:00

For some strange reason some ass-hat journalist recently felt the need to interview former Senator/current fucktard Rick Santorum. Why?The last time I saw that prick he was standing in front of a podium, caked with orange panstick, conceding defeat next to his heavily sedated wife and their creepy offspring after being ousted from his Senate seat due to his smug hypocrisy, his passion for being Bush's ass monkey, his Nazi-Christian ideals, and the fact that his constituents found out that he'd cheated them out of over $50,000 to pay for private school for his children.Just a couple of the brilliant ideas that have came from the inept brain of Rick Santorum include:Claiming the constitution did not guarantee personal freedom because it could lead to bestiality and incestDefending the catholic priests in Boston that molested children by implying it was actually the liberals and homosexuals who should be held responsibleQuestioning parents who put their children through the "weird socialization" of public schoolsNow Santorum has crawled out his hole to speak out on what he sees as the worst side effect of the Iraq War......the fact that it's dividing the G.O.P.Gag. Same old Santorum bullshit.Don't you worry, Rick. The G.O.P. aren't really all that divided. They're all still a bunch of rich greedy assholes hiding behind the bible and the flag. Your political party will be just fine as long as there's evangelical Christians eager to believe whatever they're told at church and on Fox News.Now, if you don't mind Mr. Santorum, please stop scrutinizing your political party so they can continue shredding the Constitution killing Muslims protecting America.

Support Israel or Go to Hell!!

2007-07-01T21:19:00.002-07:00

A freakishly revealing look at the Christians United for Israel conference.In summary:Tom Delay is optimistic about ArmageddonIsraeli Jews are merely Christians yet to be convertedTelevangelists are just like Moses per Joe LiebermanRick Santorum is still respected by the dickheads of AmericaPeople that promote peace are actually Pro-AntiChristAll Muslims are evil...obviously Gay people are worse than animals(If video doesn't load, there is a link below)Rapture Ready: The Unauthorized Christians United for Israel Tour from huffpost and Vimeo.

GOP: God's Own Perverts

2007-07-01T21:19:00.001-07:00

I'm a little surprised that it's still newsworthy when a Republican gets caught up in a sex scandal these days. I'll admit though, it's such a sweet indulgence to watch their pompous fall from grace...Earlier this week, Sen. David Vitter (R-LA), golden boy of the family values twat-waffles, was exposed for having multiple sexual encounters with prostitutes in both New Orleans and D.C.What? A right wing hypocrite? But wait... it gets better!Today, Florida State Senator Bob Allen, a married Republican, was arrested after soliciting an undercover male officer for oral sex in a park restroom. Apparently, the authorities noticed the Senator cruising the restroom, so one of the officers followed him inside. The Senator then offered the cop $20 to let him perform oral sex on him. It seems that "Bob" really lives to up his name.I think the Republican Party could save its overworked aides a lot of headaches and writing cramps by just drafting an official prodedure and general press release that can be easily customized for future GOP sex scandals. Something like this maybe....Step 1. Appear at press conference with solemn faceStep 2. Stand close to whitebread family and American flagStep 3. Read the following statementMy Fellow Americans,I, Senator/Representative [insert name here], stand before you today because I have committed a terrible sin involving [watered down details here].After much prayer and counsel, I have came to the decision to [resign? lie? blame the media?]. I deeply regret the pain that I have caused my family and America and have prayed [endlessly? continuously? perpetually? ceaselessly?].In time, I hope you can find it in your heart to both forgive and re-elect me... God. God. Wife. Children. Jesus. War on Terror. The Bible. Radical Islam. America. September 11th. Sanctity of Marriage. Liberals. Satan. Islamo-fasists. Family Values. Osama bin Laden. Church. U.S.A. God. God. God.****7-17-07 UPDATE**** Senator Vitter must've read my blog and liked my advice....click here

Douchenozzles Now Available in Black

2007-07-01T21:19:00.000-07:00

Oh Snap!: Keith O. Slams the Decider

2007-07-01T21:18:00.000-07:00

The New Way Forward in Iraq

2007-06-01T21:19:00.007-07:00

Soon after the old "Stay the Course" catch phrase became synonymous with widespread failure in Iraq, the MENSA members at the White House decided that what this war needed most was a new slogan. Thus, the new catch phrase "New Way Forward" was born.But what exactly does the "New Way Forward" entail you might ask yourself? Well first, as you've probably all ready heard, it means we're shipping off another 30,000 soldiers to Iraq... which makes sense since only a meager 70% of the American people disapprove of the war. Naysayers might say this is insanity, but that's just because they're unpatriotic.But wait, there's more. Our brilliant military leaders have also decided on a drastic change in strategy to combat the violence. They've decided to let logic prevail by making their wisest decision to date. Their new stategy? You guessed it....stop sectarian violence in Iraq by arming Sunni militants in a nation filled with mostly Shia citizens.Why on earth would we support Sunni militants that are often affiliated with Al Qaeda by giving them weapons and ammo? Well if you don't know the answer to that question then you're just as un-American as the Democrats. I can assure you though that it has nothing to do with the fact that Sunni extremists oppose the Shiite regime in Iran.

Ensuring Domestic Tranquility

2007-06-01T21:19:00.006-07:00

Our Government is High

2007-06-01T21:19:00.005-07:00

This week, a new taxpayer funded government study conducted by a group of asshats has concluded that smoking marijuana leads to violence and gang membership among teens. Violence and gang membership? Really? Marijuana?Now, I could understand if a new study linked marijuana to....oh, I don't know....obesity, unemployment, or possible damage to the environment from the vehicle emissions of stoners making a late night Taco Bell run, but violence and gang membership?Which brings me to my first entry and chosen rant of the day....The War on Drugs - $100+ billion per yearThe laughable failure that is the War on Drugs was originally instituted by the insidious Richard Nixon and has since been resurrected by right-wing leaders who love to garner political support for misguided moral causes by tugging at the paranoid side of Americans...trying to convince us to believe in their War on [insert slogan here] and if we don't we're turning our backs on children and ultimately causing the downfall of America. Sadly, it's a tactic that has worked time and time again. Stupid Americans.Since it's inception it has been a complete disaster. The War on Drugs has wasted truckloads of money, first by giving American dollars away to developing countries in a wasted effort to curb the influx of drugs the government deems harmful from coming across the American border. This has created and enriched powerful drug cartels and ruthless gangs, but has failed to stop a more than ample supply of illegal drugs still available to satisfy American demand.Secondly, harsh punishments for convicted drug offenders have created huge operational budgets for our burgeoning correctional facilities which once again require more dollars from your paycheck. Strangely, most prisons do nothing to rehabilitate drug offenders. Instead, drugs are readily available in America's prisons, promoting gang activity and often turning former recreational users into full blown addicts.Ironically, we have a massively profitable pharmaceutical industry, subsidized by the federal government, that creates legal substances with similar effects of the drugs the government's War on Terror is so fervently trying to combat (OxyContin, Xanax, Ativan, Marinol, Morphine, the list goes on and on)Lastly, the idiocy of the government funded "awareness campaigns" meant to educate and detract American youth through fear tactics and hip marketing. I actually remember sitting through one of these classes back when Ecstasy was the new evil drug. That's when I learned if you wanted to try a new drug that produced feelings of extreme eurphoria that you had to go to a rave to find it......oh yeah, and also about the side effects. Because everybody knows high schoolers are deterred by side effects.This dumbass tactic is still used today. Most recently with the new known as "Cheese". It's black tar heroin mixed with over the counter analgesics. It was an obscure little known substance. Well, it was until the awareness campaigns started. Now it's been broadcast nationally in the news and once again the high school tours have started up again to let the kids know not to try the newest cheap powerful drug that is now on the market.....because once again....it has deadly side effects.I realize that drug abuse is a legitimate problem in today's society, but I think it's obvious that the criminal justice system has failed to heal what is ultimately a public health issue.Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to read up on a new study that links government studies to stupid ass conclusions.

Ann Coulter Gets Owned

2007-06-01T21:19:00.004-07:00

Ann Coulter is the biggest cunt in the whole universe. Ann Coulter is a moldy fuck stain with a degree from Cornell. Ann Coulter is Satan in a cheap, shitty dress. OK, deep breath... Ann Coulter is often characterized by her outspoken political rhetoric against those she perceives as liberal.This week on Hardball an unsuspecting Ann was given the smackdown by cancer victim/rich bitch/campaign cash juggernaut Elizabeth Edwards. Ann was taking phone calls from viewers when a very polite and composed Lizzy called in to ask Ann to please stop clouding the political waters with insults and irrelevant ramblings.The noticeably irritated Coulter then blathered on about being silenced by the wife of a presidential candidate before turning into a giant lizard (her true form) and slithering away. Elizabeth Edwards demurely disconnected the line to return to her mint julep, her mansion, and her multi-millionaire husband.

How to Not Hire Americans

2007-06-01T21:19:00.003-07:00

Is your corporation searching for new employees? Tired of lazy American workers and their constant demands? Looking to hire people that don't whine about things like benefits or overtime pay?Well, look no further!Your friends at Cohen & Grigsby are here to help!Our ethics-free attorneys have years of experience cheating labor laws to help your company get the low-cost immigrant workforce it desires. This is one seminar your shareholders won't want you to miss! ....See clip for full details.

Christianity Gone Batshit Crazy

2007-06-01T21:19:00.002-07:00

I've always thought Evangelicals were the hilarious nutbags of the Christian religion. These are the people that speak in tongues, dance with venomous snakes, and drink strichnine. I watched a special on TV a few years ago where a toothless redneck drank poison from a mason jar and then proudly proclaimed, "That stuff'll kill ya if ya ain't livin right!".Now, these same famous folks that snubbed proven scientific data for the much easier to comprehend Intelligent Design Theory have gathered to discuss Global Warming. The results were.....not so unexpected. They concluded that it was probably just the Will of God and that worrying about it was just a distraction from the important issues.....like abortion and gay marriage.But to be fair, we also have other Christian psychos. Specifically, Westboro Baptist Church from Kansas. These are the people who spread Jesus's loving gospel through their website, godhatesfags.com. They are also the ones who protest at the funerals of dead American soldiers, holding signs with good Christian slogans such as....."USA=Fag Nation", "Thank God for Dead Soldiers" and last but not least...."God is America's Terrorist". Check the clip below.Just for fun, after Matthew Shepard was brutally beaten and murdered in Laramie, Wyoming they designed an animated .gif for their website with Shepard's photo in flames with the words, "Matthew Shepard burns in Hell" with a running time ticker counting the seconds, minutes, and days since his murder. They have also twice tried unsuccessfully to have a memorial erected in Laramie with an eternal flame and photo of Shepard with the words "Matthew Shepard is in Hell".My latest discovery on Christian insanity comes from the fine people at chick.com. Freaky Christian kid's comics are their specialty. Their most recent comic teaches parents and children that telling your kids about the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus will turn children into godless monsters that murder at will and ultimately end up on the FBI's Most Wanted list next to Bin Laden before going to prison and being executed.Think I'm kidding? Check it out for yourself.

Extremists Do the Darnedest Things

2007-06-01T21:19:00.001-07:00

Earlier I wrote about the wisdom our military officials had exercised by deciding to arm Sunni militants in Iraq. Unfortunately, that plan has been blown to shreds....literally.Today Al Qaeda extremists, in protest of Paris Hilton's release from jail, bombed the shiite out of a Baghdad hotel, killing most of the group of Sunnis that our military experts were planning to arm.The explosion also killed some other Muslims that weren't very newsworthy...

Internet Now Available in Hell!

2007-06-01T21:19:00.000-07:00

In an email action alert sent out this week, the American Decency Association lashed out at the church for failing to take a stand againt the most despicable evil infecting American culture today....MySpace.The ADA proudly reminds us that they are the only ones "able to see and agree with the moral standards of God" and have chastized so-called Christians who have the audacity to take part in "this pornographic site" known as MySpace.They are sternly advising true Christians to steer clear of MySpace and called it a place where "sin is being given a free pass". They've also said "Satan is having a field day with MySpace.com"Calls to Satan's rep were not immediately returned.

Central Intelligance Antics

2007-06-01T21:18:00.000-07:00

This week the CIA released sensitive documents from it's past that seem to reveal some mildly unorthodox investigations. Aside from inventing crack and killing Marilyn Monroe, here are some other things the CIA has done:tested LSD on unsuspecting Americans without their consenthired the mafia to assasinate world leaders they thought were poopywiretapped US journalists that didn't know how to shut the hell upmistook Yuri Nosenko for a Russian spy, but later made ammends for imprisoning and torturing him by giving him a job with the agencyNow that they've got that off their chests, the CIA would like to remind everyone that this is not something they would condone in modern times. Now please, go on about your business and stop asking questions.