An Open Letter to America

Dear America,Happy Labor Day. I hope you're all enjoying the beer and barbecue and spending time with your kids before they go back to school. Be sure not to ruin their day by telling them that we're sinking their future into a pit of war debt. Don't tell them we're spending more money to kill Muslims than we'll ever dedicate to their education. Don't tell them over 3,500 dedicated soldiers have died needlessly in a war that is nothing but lies for profit and oil...and fueled by religious undertones. Please don't kill their last day of summer fun with the truth.Instead, tell them that we live in the greatest country on earth, but don't get too detailed. Don't tell them about things like no-bid contracts, Halliburton, DynCorp, Raytheon, General Dynamics, or The Carlyle Group. Tell them we're at war merely to protect ourselves because Muslims hate America. It's so much easier than saying we're actually there because we killed their leader to install a government that seemed more suitable and now we're stuck cleaning up the clusterfuck we created. Please don't let them know that Iraq and Al Qaeda aren't the same thing.Don't tell them that our founders enlightened vision of freedom has now been reduced to tattered shreds and that through all of this the general majority still couldn't care less. Don't tell them that freedom of speech is now regulated and that people who disagree are labelled as crazy liberals who are totally disregarded, unless they're too loud, then they're contained to "first amendment zones" because they hate America.Don't tell them that the right to a fair trial no longer applies to everyone. Tell them there's no such thing as torture while crossing your fingers behind your back. Tell them it's all right to deny equal rights to people if you use religion as an excuse. Tell them it's ok for the government to spy on its citizens, because if you're not a bad guy you have nothing to worry about.Don't ask questions or concern yourself with things that haven't yet directly affected you, because if you do then you're a bad American. Make sure you have a popular opinion. Be complacent. These days complacency is the patriotic trait of a good American. Asking for answers is for nutjobs like Cindy Sheehan and just makes people think you don't support the troops.Happy Labor Day America!Kind regards,Shannon SparksU.S. Citizen

Louisiana Racists Pummelled by Hurricane Sharpton

This week, Rev. Al Sharpton has taken time from his busy schedule of inciting hatred toward Jews, getting crusty shock-jocks fired, whoring himself to the media, and maintaining his unflattering pompadour hairstyle to travel to the KKK stronghold of Jena, La. to support a group of black scapegoats that are being unfairly punished for beating up some gun toting honky.Originally, Al said he had no plans to travel to Jena until some future trailer owning white students hung nooses at the school as a witty reference back to the days when Louisiana was unfathomably redneck instead of just severely redneck as it is in modern times. Al said that once race was brought into it he felt obligated to speak up I guess because he thinks that everybody really cares about his opinion.Unfortunately though, this incident in Jena has the potential to create unnecessary racial tensions between black and white America and distract us from more important things like uniting against Hispanic immigrants and killing Muslims.

Men in Suits Behind Podiums Telling Lies on Fox

Tonight, the dickheads over at Fox News will host yet another asinine Republican debate that hardly anyone will be bored enough to even bother watching. Here are my predictions:Mitt Romney will have big hair and way too much makeup...like alwaysRudy Giuliani will say 9-11, 9-11, War on Terror, Radical Islam!!!!Yuck-Yuck Huckabee will tell jokes.....Gosh, he's so dang funnyTom Tancredo will remind us that he still hates MexicansRon Paul will say the truth, and therefore be automatically overlookedI don't think Thompson will be there...he's still officially contemplating the possibility of maybe pondering the idea of considering an official candicacy....which he will then promptly loseMcCain will defend amnesty, say something about Vietnam, and look like a bloated albino dwarfHunter and Brownback won't have anything remarkable to say. It won't be worth your time to listen to them. Feel free to change the channel when they speak.After the debates, I'll be sure to post the summary of the candidates answers. This should be rivetting....

Alan Keyes Still Isn't Done Losing Elections

I had no idea Alan Keyes was running for something again, but to my surprise when I tuned into the Republican debate the other night there he was on the stage. I kind of had to squint my eyes before saying to myself, "What the hell is Alan Keyes doing up on stage?"Alan Keyes is a consistent man. He consistently loses any election he runs for. He also consistently says and does things that make him look like a total jackass. Things such as: (cue bullet points)Saying prison is a good place for black men to get an educationSaid welfare to the poor has destroyed the black familyClaimed that gay marriage would promote incestCalled Dick Cheney's lesbian daugher a "selfish hedonist". Ironically, his own daughter Maya is a lesbian (he has since disowned her, but said he still loves her even though she's going to hell)Said that God caused 9/11, because of abortionBlamed the fact that nobody would vote for him on the mediaAs a gesture of goodwill towards the mentally ill, I've decided to help him out a little with a few bumper stickers to help give his campaign some much needed visibility. No thanks necessary. Just doing my patriotic duty.

From the Desk of Chairman O'Reilly

Today, loofah enthusiast Bill O'Reilly released on official declaration commanding the government to bring back the Office of War Information. Their duty would be to censor any media that doesn't promote the murder of people for oil and political power War on Terror.According to Bill, this is necessary because a bunch of "loons" in Hollywood insist on running around all liberal and stirring up a bunch of unpatriotic shit with their willy-nilly rampage of truth telling. His prime example is Brian DePalma's upcoming film "Redacted" which chronicles the gang rape and murder of a teenage girl and her family in Haditha by US soldiers.Although Bill acknowledges that the incidents at Haditha and Abu Ghraib were horrible, he just doesn't see why America-hating liberals feel the need to go around constantly talking about it, because ulimately "we are hurting our own country" and of course because it will "incite young Muslim men all ready steeped in hatred toward America".Bill also said something about the Office of War Information censoring or completly outlawing CNN, MSNBC, Keith Olberman, Rosie O'Donnell, DailyKos, Michael Moore, Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, Cindy Sheehan, Mexicans, blogs, blogospheres, falafels, and embarassing sexual harassment settlements.Here's a patriotic yet oppressive link to the full article.

Hero of the Week: Noam Chomsky

This week's hero is anti-war darling/Jewish smarty pants, Noam Chomsky. Because he's smarter than everybody? No. Because he's Jewish? Of course not, they smell funny. Because Osama gave him a shoutout in his last video? Hell no, I wouldn't be that unpatriotic on 9/11. (But while we're on the subject of Osama....that dyed beard? Where do you get beard dye if you live in a cave in Pakistan? Just asking...)It's because of the interview he did with one of Japan's leading news publications, Mainichi Shimbun. In the interview Chomsky said some shit. A whole lotta shit. A whole lotta true shit.Here are a few excerpts, because I'm addicted to bullet points:The United States is not a functioning democracy Bush is the best ally bin Laden and Ahmadinejad could haveThe Iraq war "significantly increased the threat of terror"The invasion of Iraq was a war crimeSo yeah, Noam Chomsky is pretty much a kick-ass motherfucker. If you don't think so, then I don't know what.

Duncan Hunter is a Shit Sack

What makes Duncan Hunter think he has a chance in hell of winning the Republican presidential nomination? I have no idea. Another valid question you might ask is...Who the hell is Duncan Hunter? And that's an entirely valid question, because most people either have no clue who he is or they know him and subsequently hate his guts.Duncan Hunter is a lazy Republican Senator that only shows up to vote about 2/3 of the time or just whenever he feels like it. He was also a member of the appropriations committee that sent everybody's kids to war with nothing but a gun, not bothering to provide them with body armor or explosive resistant vehicles. Plus his hair really sucks and everything he says is either incorrect, a lie, or totally irellevant.Here's a few examples of Hunter's stupid-assery just from the black debate on PBS last night:Hunter totally dodged a question on the racial inequalities of the justice system by encouraging black people to join the military and go to warStammered when the moderator told him he didn't answer the question and still couldn't manage to come up with a decent answerHe proudly kept repeating the word "barrio" to try to connect with the mostly black audience...because he doesn't know the difference between black Americans and Hispanics Duncan Hunter is someone I write about so that later in life I can look back on my blog and say, "Who the hell was that guy and why was I writing about him?"? Oh, and don't even get me started on "Family Values" Brownback and his Gomer Pyle-like voice.

Iraq? Oh, It's a Blast!!

An optimistic General Petraeus said today that things were just fucking fabulous in sunny Iraq. Sure there's still some bloodshed and the slight risk of everything imploding in a shitstorm of bullets and body parts, BUT... it's way better than it was. In fact, we might be able to let a couple of soldiers come home soon, or around Christmastime, or maybe next summer, or perhaps a little further down the road than that....but soon nevertheless. We still can't set a timetable for withdrawal and run the risk of "emboldening" our enemy...obviously.Here are just a few of the things that the US has done to improve things in Iraq since annointing General Petraeus:Stopped reporting how many hours a day that Baghdad is without powerNo longer recording casualties resulting from car bombsOnly reporting casualties if they were shot from behind in sectarian violence statisticsCreated "peace" in Anbar, Ramadi, etc. by arming the hell out of Sunni militiasEstablished so much breathing room for political gains that the Iraqi government took a whole month off to relaxRepublicans and general warmongers are pleased as punch that Petraeus had such an enthusiastic report. Plus this is a bitchslap to the fiz-ace for all those anti-war pussies that hate the troops and want us to lose the war. Petraeus has turned the miserable wasteland of Iraq into the new Disneyland....a bloody, gorey, nightmarish, Muslim Disneyland. I mean, so what if they don't have the "teacups" ride. Soon you'll be able to whimsically cruise down the scenic Euphrates while riding atop one the many floating corpses still being dumped there on a regular basis. General Petraeus would also like to remind the American people that although he's a puppet of the Bush administration, the White House had absolutely no influence whatsoever on his reporting.Ambassador Ryan Crocker also said some shit that nobody really listened to.

George Bush: Still a Dumbfuck

I'm starting to feel a little sad for The Decider(even though he's a mass murdering redneck). He's gotta know he blows at public speaking. Yet, he does it anway. By now his poor speechwriters have probably just resigned themselves to words with as few syllables as possible and just given the rest to God, knowing that Junior is just going to fuck it all up anyway before going down in a blaze of failed metaphors and stuttering idiocy.Well, it's happened again...This time it was at the APEC forum in Sydney, Australia. He only got three sentences into his speech before the stupid started pouring out. Here's the rundown:The Decider thanked the Australian Prime Minister for inviting him to the OPEC Summit.....but it's APEC, OPEC is entirely differentThen tried to correct himself by saying the Australian PM had invited him to the OPEC Summit next year....again incorrect, since neither the US or Australia are OPEC membersProudly thanked Australia for sending its Austrian troops to Iraq...sighAlmost blindly walked off of a "steep drop" as he wandered around the stage looking for an exit. Haw Haw.Strangely, there was no applause until The Decider actually exited the stage. Thank god this happened in Australia where everyone's drunk and will soon forget this ever happened.