The New Way Forward in Iraq

Soon after the old "Stay the Course" catch phrase became synonymous with widespread failure in Iraq, the MENSA members at the White House decided that what this war needed most was a new slogan. Thus, the new catch phrase "New Way Forward" was born.But what exactly does the "New Way Forward" entail you might ask yourself? Well first, as you've probably all ready heard, it means we're shipping off another 30,000 soldiers to Iraq... which makes sense since only a meager 70% of the American people disapprove of the war. Naysayers might say this is insanity, but that's just because they're unpatriotic.But wait, there's more. Our brilliant military leaders have also decided on a drastic change in strategy to combat the violence. They've decided to let logic prevail by making their wisest decision to date. Their new stategy? You guessed it....stop sectarian violence in Iraq by arming Sunni militants in a nation filled with mostly Shia citizens.Why on earth would we support Sunni militants that are often affiliated with Al Qaeda by giving them weapons and ammo? Well if you don't know the answer to that question then you're just as un-American as the Democrats. I can assure you though that it has nothing to do with the fact that Sunni extremists oppose the Shiite regime in Iran.

Ensuring Domestic Tranquility

Our Government is High

This week, a new taxpayer funded government study conducted by a group of asshats has concluded that smoking marijuana leads to violence and gang membership among teens. Violence and gang membership? Really? Marijuana?Now, I could understand if a new study linked marijuana to....oh, I don't know....obesity, unemployment, or possible damage to the environment from the vehicle emissions of stoners making a late night Taco Bell run, but violence and gang membership?Which brings me to my first entry and chosen rant of the day....The War on Drugs - $100+ billion per yearThe laughable failure that is the War on Drugs was originally instituted by the insidious Richard Nixon and has since been resurrected by right-wing leaders who love to garner political support for misguided moral causes by tugging at the paranoid side of Americans...trying to convince us to believe in their War on [insert slogan here] and if we don't we're turning our backs on children and ultimately causing the downfall of America. Sadly, it's a tactic that has worked time and time again. Stupid Americans.Since it's inception it has been a complete disaster. The War on Drugs has wasted truckloads of money, first by giving American dollars away to developing countries in a wasted effort to curb the influx of drugs the government deems harmful from coming across the American border. This has created and enriched powerful drug cartels and ruthless gangs, but has failed to stop a more than ample supply of illegal drugs still available to satisfy American demand.Secondly, harsh punishments for convicted drug offenders have created huge operational budgets for our burgeoning correctional facilities which once again require more dollars from your paycheck. Strangely, most prisons do nothing to rehabilitate drug offenders. Instead, drugs are readily available in America's prisons, promoting gang activity and often turning former recreational users into full blown addicts.Ironically, we have a massively profitable pharmaceutical industry, subsidized by the federal government, that creates legal substances with similar effects of the drugs the government's War on Terror is so fervently trying to combat (OxyContin, Xanax, Ativan, Marinol, Morphine, the list goes on and on)Lastly, the idiocy of the government funded "awareness campaigns" meant to educate and detract American youth through fear tactics and hip marketing. I actually remember sitting through one of these classes back when Ecstasy was the new evil drug. That's when I learned if you wanted to try a new drug that produced feelings of extreme eurphoria that you had to go to a rave to find it......oh yeah, and also about the side effects. Because everybody knows high schoolers are deterred by side effects.This dumbass tactic is still used today. Most recently with the new known as "Cheese". It's black tar heroin mixed with over the counter analgesics. It was an obscure little known substance. Well, it was until the awareness campaigns started. Now it's been broadcast nationally in the news and once again the high school tours have started up again to let the kids know not to try the newest cheap powerful drug that is now on the market.....because once again....it has deadly side effects.I realize that drug abuse is a legitimate problem in today's society, but I think it's obvious that the criminal justice system has failed to heal what is ultimately a public health issue.Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to read up on a new study that links government studies to stupid ass conclusions.

Ann Coulter Gets Owned

Ann Coulter is the biggest cunt in the whole universe. Ann Coulter is a moldy fuck stain with a degree from Cornell. Ann Coulter is Satan in a cheap, shitty dress. OK, deep breath... Ann Coulter is often characterized by her outspoken political rhetoric against those she perceives as liberal.This week on Hardball an unsuspecting Ann was given the smackdown by cancer victim/rich bitch/campaign cash juggernaut Elizabeth Edwards. Ann was taking phone calls from viewers when a very polite and composed Lizzy called in to ask Ann to please stop clouding the political waters with insults and irrelevant ramblings.The noticeably irritated Coulter then blathered on about being silenced by the wife of a presidential candidate before turning into a giant lizard (her true form) and slithering away. Elizabeth Edwards demurely disconnected the line to return to her mint julep, her mansion, and her multi-millionaire husband.

How to Not Hire Americans

Is your corporation searching for new employees? Tired of lazy American workers and their constant demands? Looking to hire people that don't whine about things like benefits or overtime pay?Well, look no further!Your friends at Cohen & Grigsby are here to help!Our ethics-free attorneys have years of experience cheating labor laws to help your company get the low-cost immigrant workforce it desires. This is one seminar your shareholders won't want you to miss! ....See clip for full details.

Christianity Gone Batshit Crazy

I've always thought Evangelicals were the hilarious nutbags of the Christian religion. These are the people that speak in tongues, dance with venomous snakes, and drink strichnine. I watched a special on TV a few years ago where a toothless redneck drank poison from a mason jar and then proudly proclaimed, "That stuff'll kill ya if ya ain't livin right!".Now, these same famous folks that snubbed proven scientific data for the much easier to comprehend Intelligent Design Theory have gathered to discuss Global Warming. The results were.....not so unexpected. They concluded that it was probably just the Will of God and that worrying about it was just a distraction from the important issues.....like abortion and gay marriage.But to be fair, we also have other Christian psychos. Specifically, Westboro Baptist Church from Kansas. These are the people who spread Jesus's loving gospel through their website, godhatesfags.com. They are also the ones who protest at the funerals of dead American soldiers, holding signs with good Christian slogans such as....."USA=Fag Nation", "Thank God for Dead Soldiers" and last but not least...."God is America's Terrorist". Check the clip below.Just for fun, after Matthew Shepard was brutally beaten and murdered in Laramie, Wyoming they designed an animated .gif for their website with Shepard's photo in flames with the words, "Matthew Shepard burns in Hell" with a running time ticker counting the seconds, minutes, and days since his murder. They have also twice tried unsuccessfully to have a memorial erected in Laramie with an eternal flame and photo of Shepard with the words "Matthew Shepard is in Hell".My latest discovery on Christian insanity comes from the fine people at chick.com. Freaky Christian kid's comics are their specialty. Their most recent comic teaches parents and children that telling your kids about the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus will turn children into godless monsters that murder at will and ultimately end up on the FBI's Most Wanted list next to Bin Laden before going to prison and being executed.Think I'm kidding? Check it out for yourself.

Extremists Do the Darnedest Things

Earlier I wrote about the wisdom our military officials had exercised by deciding to arm Sunni militants in Iraq. Unfortunately, that plan has been blown to shreds....literally.Today Al Qaeda extremists, in protest of Paris Hilton's release from jail, bombed the shiite out of a Baghdad hotel, killing most of the group of Sunnis that our military experts were planning to arm.The explosion also killed some other Muslims that weren't very newsworthy...

Internet Now Available in Hell!

In an email action alert sent out this week, the American Decency Association lashed out at the church for failing to take a stand againt the most despicable evil infecting American culture today....MySpace.The ADA proudly reminds us that they are the only ones "able to see and agree with the moral standards of God" and have chastized so-called Christians who have the audacity to take part in "this pornographic site" known as MySpace.They are sternly advising true Christians to steer clear of MySpace and called it a place where "sin is being given a free pass". They've also said "Satan is having a field day with MySpace.com"Calls to Satan's rep were not immediately returned.

Central Intelligance Antics

This week the CIA released sensitive documents from it's past that seem to reveal some mildly unorthodox investigations. Aside from inventing crack and killing Marilyn Monroe, here are some other things the CIA has done:tested LSD on unsuspecting Americans without their consenthired the mafia to assasinate world leaders they thought were poopywiretapped US journalists that didn't know how to shut the hell upmistook Yuri Nosenko for a Russian spy, but later made ammends for imprisoning and torturing him by giving him a job with the agencyNow that they've got that off their chests, the CIA would like to remind everyone that this is not something they would condone in modern times. Now please, go on about your business and stop asking questions.