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An Open Letter to America

Dear America,Happy Labor Day. I hope you're all enjoying the beer and barbecue and spending time with your kids before they go back to school. Be sure not to ruin their day by telling them that we're sinking their future into a pit of war debt. Don't tell them we're spending more money to kill Muslims than we'll ever dedicate to their education. Don't tell them over 3,500 dedicated soldiers have died needlessly in a war that is nothing but lies for profit and oil...and fueled by religious undertones. Please don't kill their last day of summer fun with the truth.Instead, tell them that we live in the greatest country on earth, but don't get too detailed. Don't tell them about things like no-bid contracts, Halliburton, DynCorp, Raytheon, General Dynamics, or The Carlyle Group. Tell them we're at war merely to protect ourselves because Muslims hate America. It's so much easier than saying we're actually there because we killed their leader to install a government that seemed more suitable and now we're stuck cleaning up the clusterfuck we created. Please don't let them know that Iraq and Al Qaeda aren't the same thing.Don't tell them that our founders enlightened vision of freedom has now been reduced to tattered shreds and that through all of this the general majority still couldn't care less. Don't tell them that freedom of speech is now regulated and that people who disagree are labelled as crazy liberals who are totally disregarded, unless they're too loud, then they're contained to "first amendment zones" because they hate America.Don't tell them that the right to a fair trial no longer applies to everyone. Tell them there's no such thing as torture while crossing your fingers behind your back. Tell them it's all right to deny equal rights to people if you use religion as an excuse. Tell them it's ok for the government to spy on its citizens, because if you're not a bad guy you have nothing to worry about.Don't ask questions or concern yourself with things that haven't yet directly affected you, because if you do then you're a bad American. Make sure you have a popular opinion. Be complacent. These days complacency is the patriotic trait of a good American. Asking for answers is for nutjobs like Cindy Sheehan and just makes people think you don't support the troops.Happy Labor Day America!Kind regards,Shannon SparksU.S. Citizen

Louisiana Racists Pummelled by Hurricane Sharpton

This week, Rev. Al Sharpton has taken time from his busy schedule of inciting hatred toward Jews, getting crusty shock-jocks fired, whoring himself to the media, and maintaining his unflattering pompadour hairstyle to travel to the KKK stronghold of Jena, La. to support a group of black scapegoats that are being unfairly punished for beating up some gun toting honky.Originally, Al said he had no plans to travel to Jena until some future trailer owning white students hung nooses at the school as a witty reference back to the days when Louisiana was unfathomably redneck instead of just severely redneck as it is in modern times. Al said that once race was brought into it he felt obligated to speak up I guess because he thinks that everybody really cares about his opinion.Unfortunately though, this incident in Jena has the potential to create unnecessary racial tensions between black and white America and distract us from more important things like uniting against Hispanic immigrants and killing Muslims.

Men in Suits Behind Podiums Telling Lies on Fox

Tonight, the dickheads over at Fox News will host yet another asinine Republican debate that hardly anyone will be bored enough to even bother watching. Here are my predictions:Mitt Romney will have big hair and way too much makeup...like alwaysRudy Giuliani will say 9-11, 9-11, War on Terror, Radical Islam!!!!Yuck-Yuck Huckabee will tell jokes.....Gosh, he's so dang funnyTom Tancredo will remind us that he still hates MexicansRon Paul will say the truth, and therefore be automatically overlookedI don't think Thompson will be there...he's still officially contemplating the possibility of maybe pondering the idea of considering an official candicacy....which he will then promptly loseMcCain will defend amnesty, say something about Vietnam, and look like a bloated albino dwarfHunter and Brownback won't have anything remarkable to say. It won't be worth your time to listen to them. Feel free to change the channel when they speak.After the debates, I'll be sure to post the summary of the candidates answers. This should be rivetting....

Alan Keyes Still Isn't Done Losing Elections

I had no idea Alan Keyes was running for something again, but to my surprise when I tuned into the Republican debate the other night there he was on the stage. I kind of had to squint my eyes before saying to myself, "What the hell is Alan Keyes doing up on stage?"Alan Keyes is a consistent man. He consistently loses any election he runs for. He also consistently says and does things that make him look like a total jackass. Things such as: (cue bullet points)Saying prison is a good place for black men to get an educationSaid welfare to the poor has destroyed the black familyClaimed that gay marriage would promote incestCalled Dick Cheney's lesbian daugher a "selfish hedonist". Ironically, his own daughter Maya is a lesbian (he has since disowned her, but said he still loves her even though she's going to hell)Said that God caused 9/11, because of abortionBlamed the fact that nobody would vote for him on the mediaAs a gesture of goodwill towards the mentally ill, I've decided to help him out a little with a few bumper stickers to help give his campaign some much needed visibility. No thanks necessary. Just doing my patriotic duty.

From the Desk of Chairman O'Reilly

Today, loofah enthusiast Bill O'Reilly released on official declaration commanding the government to bring back the Office of War Information. Their duty would be to censor any media that doesn't promote the murder of people for oil and political power War on Terror.According to Bill, this is necessary because a bunch of "loons" in Hollywood insist on running around all liberal and stirring up a bunch of unpatriotic shit with their willy-nilly rampage of truth telling. His prime example is Brian DePalma's upcoming film "Redacted" which chronicles the gang rape and murder of a teenage girl and her family in Haditha by US soldiers.Although Bill acknowledges that the incidents at Haditha and Abu Ghraib were horrible, he just doesn't see why America-hating liberals feel the need to go around constantly talking about it, because ulimately "we are hurting our own country" and of course because it will "incite young Muslim men all ready steeped in hatred toward America".Bill also said something about the Office of War Information censoring or completly outlawing CNN, MSNBC, Keith Olberman, Rosie O'Donnell, DailyKos, Michael Moore, Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, Cindy Sheehan, Mexicans, blogs, blogospheres, falafels, and embarassing sexual harassment settlements.Here's a patriotic yet oppressive link to the full article.